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Was She Livin’ Free or Dyin’ Hard?

Here’s what I miss about living in San Francisco:
Originally Posted July 03, 2007

So, I’m downtown – standing on the street somewhere trying to make a phone call.  No- no phone call.  At this point I’m just wandering – thinking about stuff.  If I had been in my room, I might’ve been burning incense and playing Jewel.  But I wasn’t.  I was just leaning against a pole on the street.  Pondering.  And that’s when I saw her…

Dead ahead – about 50 yards away, give or take, twirling around with reckless abandon, hair flowing in the breeze, skin bright in the summer sun, about 63 years old, yelling like a maniac: A crazy, naked, lady.  And in that moment, I heard my instincts whisper “You must never hesitate.”

And so off the curb I stepped – actually into oncoming traffic just to see the downtown mantinee show entitled “Crazy Naked Old Lady Dancing on Battery Street.”

Moments later, there I was.  Front row, watching her – still twirling, ranting and raving, and just generally a good ol’ fashioned mess.  And then I heard my instincts whisper again – this time a question: ”How could one look such a wretched disaster and yet have such near-perfect tits?”  And that’s when my instincts and I both looked up at her face only to be presented with the sweetest twist:

“She” was a feller!  A perfect-boobed, naked, old man. Happy Fourth of July indeed!  If I’d have had a 6-shooter, I would’ve fired a round in the sky.  All I could think was this might actually beat the Diaper Guy I saw last year.

When this sort of thing goes down, there are generally 2 kinds of people in the vicinity: those that are completely oblivious, as if they have their own crazy, naked, old man with awesome boobs at home, and those that stop what they’re doing and instantly bond with the person next to them over the shit-stopping spectacle unfolding before their eyes.  The DHL delivery guy next to me actually put all his packages back in the truck so he could sit down next to me and watch this bare-breasted man dance his crazy ass off.  And I’m pretty sure I’m getting an invitation to his sister’s wedding.